bright traveling light

November was a month with poor sleep, lots of pressure and heavy conversation. It's started at work, then spread to my team work at the university and finally continued its ugly dance in our beloved living room. It was eating on my brain and sucking the juice out of my body. At one point I thought I would fall to the floor, or maybe I was secretly hoping it would happen, so I would finally get some rest. 
Something happened however to change all of that in one second. A candle was lit, in a darkness that felt too heavy to handle.

I will spread some light over this positive event a little later but first I need to try to sort out that draining feeling of stress.
I admire people who can fall asleep at night no matter how awful, corrupt or frightful their day has been. I say corrupt because that's a word that often comes to my mind when driving in Montreal. This city is beautiful in so many ways with unique wall paintings and cosy restaurants, but under the surface of the ridiculously poorly made asphalt hides corrupt politics. I know that it is a fact in many other countries and cities but I'm in Montreal and it's here the construction work is laughing in the face of hard working tax payers.  
Stress feeds on negative feelings, it's amazing how negative you can get when you let it happen. The secret is not to let it happen. What you should do, is to put a pair of shoes on and go out for a walk. Breathe out the negativity and breathe in the positive fresh thoughts. That's what I did, one fine evening when the first snow fell on the poor quality asphalt of this city...

I had Leonard Cohen playing from my iPod. 

"my once so bright, my fallen star
...
goodnight goodnight

My fallen star
I guess you’re right
You always are

I know you’re right
About the blues
You live some life
You’d never choose

I’m just a fool
A dreamer who
Forgot to dream

Of the me and you" 

Absolutely beautiful music and lyrics. For me it's describing my complicated relationship with this city. I chose this city. Not once but twice. Once 4.5 years ago when I moved here from Finland, then 2.5 years ago when I couldn't handle one more minute in the country side. Actually I guess I should go back even further, because when I was a 17 year old exchange student I chose this city as well. The silver lining being, I wanted this, I chose this. Why am I complaining?

Well I think we all are aloud to feel home sick and have the blues. It's okay to question your decisions from time to time and analyze them. That's how you figure out the future strategy. As long as you know where you have your feelings and keep your facts straight. 
As for stress, I'm not the person who takes it lightly and falls asleep. I'm the one who stays up all night, sinking deeper and deeper into it. It sucks the energy from me and uses it to make a circle around me. This circle then keeps me from enjoying human contact and wonderful things in life. It keeps me from properly speaking any languages and putting priority in things that matter. I tend to avoid friends and family in times like this, which is really easy to do in this part of the world. To avoid a person you love and adore and share your bed with, is a bit harder. 
So what did I do? 
... well it wasn't so much what I did but more what he did. It is however this kind of a beautiful thing that deserve a blog text of it's own, so I will bring it to light in my next blog moment.