a return to happiness

I'm back... 
Back on this blog... 
Back in Mexico... 

Somebody reminded me of this blog and I thought it could be nice to get back to writing again but I had to wait for internet to be installed in our home here .... well I waited and waited. That's something you have to get used to if you want to survive in Mexico. I might tell you later why I think Megacable (the company we had to use for internet) is a shitty company but first let's flip back a bit and see what happened between my last post and today...

Last time I wrote was in November 2018. I was trying to reconnect with myself and Montreal but then life happened. My husband lost his mother and that put the both of us on a really unpleasant roller coaster ride. I will not go into it as it's his family and his private emotions. Grief manifests itself in very different ways depending on a lot of factors. We survived the ride and came out stronger and bigger than ever. Well, mostly it was me getting bigger, as in bigger by the belly. We got ourselves an intense but absolutely beautiful surprise in form of an offspring. One life ends and another begins. 

So then we went off on different kinds of roller coaster rides. First the "we are pregnant ride" that went surprisingly well. Then the short but painful "we are having a baby ride". We came out alive from that one as well and with one more person on board. Now this both rewarding but exhausting "parenting ride"
I have started speaking in third person: "mama just needs to go to the bathroom baby, mama will be right back, mama needs to take a shower my little prince"... I don't know if it's because I'm trying to convince my son or myself that I'm a mother. What ever happened to, "I need to go to the bathroom, I need to shower". So much for the "connecting with myself part... Anyways, I think I have convinced my son and my husband of being a mother so I guess that's good enough for now. 

Our little Finnish-Dominican family is now in our home in Mexico. We got to say goodbye to 2019 and start fresh with a new year and a new decennium here in Queretaro. On the first day this year I got to do something that felt very liberating. We went back to a town called San Miguel de Allende. We came here in 2018 when I was pregnant for the first time around. First time ever in my life ...

I wrote about this visit in my blog text: "A turn in the park in San Miguel de Allende" but what I didn't write was the fact that a few hours after this picture was taken, a few hours after alcohol free margaritas and lemonades I had to tell my husband that I was in horrible pain and that I was bleeding...

The one hour ride back to Queretaro was just as painful as the ride from our Montreal home to the hospital on the day my son was born. The little difference was that the ride back to Queretaro was 4 times longer and the outcome not as beautiful. I had my first and hopefully last miscarriage.  My white dress remained white, something I can't really understand how I managed it. But I remained with ugly stains inside of me. Stains of guilt, stains of not being woman enough...

But this year started by going back to the same spot...

Now holding my son in my hands. I felt I got to close an open unpleasant chapter in my life. It felt good. It wasn't meant to happen then, it was not the right time. We weren't ready. But we are now. The 3 of us got to do a turn in the park and brush off bad memories and just focus on the beauty of this town.

 To get a picture of the 3 of us looking good and at the camera, is really difficult but this is my blog and it's me reconnecting, so this time I choose the one I look happy in, because I'm. I'm happy to be  a wife and a mother and happy to be back in Mexico as a Finnish-Dominican 3 pack.