The time in between

I can't help but feel that I'm not really living my life as much as I'm sitting around waiting. A bit like in Leonard Cohen's song 

"Baby, I've been waiting
I've been waiting night and day
I didn't see the time
I waited half my life away...
(the song being waiting for a miracle)

I haven't been waiting half my life away yet but soon enough half my son's life. I'm glad he doesn't understand that we brought him to a world in a pandemic resembling a silent world war. A world in fear, panic and anger more or less completely locked down. All freedom rubbed away, forcing us to keep distance to each other while covering ourselves with masks. A  seven month old doesn't have much freedom in general. He is completely under his parents' mercy. This is probably why we don't remember anything from our first years alive.

I wonder how much we will remember from this quarantine when things go back to "normal" ... if it ever will. 

So this time we are living now in between our previous life and our future life, what is it all about?  Mine is a strange mix of everyday life. Cooking, cleaning, exercising and spending time with my husband and son. However with a strong need of escaping it all to a world that feels more inspiring, more interesting, more fun and more comforting...somehow.

I first landed on a new podcast that I fell head over heels in love with. It's called Heavyweight, also by Gimlet media. It's so wonderful to listen to these stories from people's pasts. Like small mysteries that slowly gets unravelled. The host has a pleasant voice, fun sense of humor and as well this soft side that put you to think about your own life. I got hooked 10 minutes into the first episode I found that was called Jimmy and Mark. Now I have gone through all episodes and I quite don't know what to do with myself. The next season only starts in the fall so I guess it's the time in between when I just have to sit around waiting.

So that's why I was so happy when my husband introduced me to a TV series called El tiempo entre costuras (the time in between the seams but the English translation being only The time in between). A really well made Spanish production taking us back to the time of the Spanish civil war and beginning of World War 2. It's just heaven to watch. The clothing, the actrors. Everything. And I was watching it in Spanish with no subtitles of any kind, so it was good practice as well. But yesterday we watched the last episode of season 1 and I don't think there will be more as it was finished filming 6 years ago. So there's no time in between, it's just the end. A really sad goodbye.

It means I'm back to my own life. Back to breastfeeding, diaper changing and watching my son standing up on his own, walking on his own with supporting himself against a sofa or bed or drawers. Ripping things out of the drawers, putting all kinds of objects in his mouth. In a loud voice expressing his opinion with words I can't understand. He is very much living in the present unlike his parents. He doesn't need to escape anywhere. To him the apartment is exciting enough and apparently his parents is good enough company so he doesn't crave for more.

The restrictions here in Queretaro are being tighten up when other countries are loosening them. We are still not even up in 150 cases of COVID-19 in a state with 2.3 million people. I can't help but wonder what is really going on. A human life in Mexico is not worth much. Children are kidnapped and women killed on daily basis without nobody doing anything. People drive like lunatics without driver's  license causing one deadly accident after the next and nobody cares. The statistics in these cases don't matter. We know what kind of president the country has, so the fact that people are locked up in their houses and the police now being allowed to give a ticket to anybody breaking the rules has to do with something other than people's safety. And yes I know it's as well about the hospital capacity but still, I just don't buy it. The only countries I'm willing to believe that actually does this because of safety would be countries like my dear home country Finland or Norway or Iceland perhaps. I know there are a lot of conspiracy theories out there. I wonder what the truth is and if it ever will come out. Will the history books later on write about the truth or will it be the version that is most convenient to keep us little humans ignorant and under control? Time will tell and in the meantime I will try to stop waiting around and try to live a bit more. It's the season of the red jacarandas now and I'm happy I got to enjoy them before the police had the right to come and arrest me. My time under the blue sky, between the beautiful red flowers and the solid earth made me feel very happy and alive.